I'm doing something today that I don't want to do. This brings a certain uneasy finality to an unfinished, but inevitable outcome. I'm filling out mortuary paperwork. Mom doesn't want to be buried. She wants to be cremated. She also doesn't want a ceremony. Now, I have to find the humor in this - I'm using an online crematory recommended by the hospice chaplain. So, … [Read more...]
Archives for 2015
Life is Fucked
Or, Yin Can Suck My Yang Mom is very near the end. I keep saying--and thinking--this, but I can't see how she can go on much longer. She's on heavy pain medication. All her medications that were helping the dementia have been stopped, and she can barely swallow even the smallest pills. So now everything is in liquid form. I found out today that she's stopped drinking … [Read more...]
STRENGTH
I don't know how she does it. How does she keep going? Mom is so frail. She's a bag of bones. There is no muscle left. She shakes. She never relaxes. Her eyes are red and swollen. Everything takes effort. Even swallowing. Every breath she takes looks like it will be her last. I've never so closely watched somebody breathe. Each inhalation was a big chest expansion. … [Read more...]
Summoning Energy
Summoning the energy to go see my mom. She's been doing very poorly and I haven't seen her in a few days, as I went to a seminar in Las Vegas Friday and returned home this morning at 4am. It's hard to go because I'm tired. But that's not really it. It's because I don't want to see how far she's declined. But I'm going. Life is about showing up. Even when death is … [Read more...]
30-Second Delay
I visited Mom again today. There is a marked difference between her now and just last week (not a good difference). If you ask her a question now, she seems like she doesn't hear you at first, then responds 15-30 seconds later with an abbreviated answer. She also fidgets incessantly with her bed covers. She's always pulling at them, grasping them, twisting them in knots. … [Read more...]