I originally posted this on Facebook on Mother’s Day May 8, 2016.
Hey Mom I know you’re not on Facebook, but since I can’t talk to you IRL, I’ll talk to you here.
Love you. Miss you. Wish I was there. Or you here. Whatever. You know what I mean.
It was kind of a shitty day all around. A shitty weekend, in fact. Sometimes, I don’t think anybody really understands me. And I suck at letting people know what’s bugging me.
But I guess, deep down, I dreaded this day. It was my first Mother’s Day without my mom.
And it didn’t really hit me until the end of the day.
But the damage was done.
My wife wanted some things from me today and I didn’t hear her. I suppose that’s sorta common among husbands and wives. But I feel like shit because I didn’t deliver.
And not to place blame anywhere but where it lies (with ME), I think underneath it all was my begrudging the day.
Mother’s Day will never be the same for me. Never.
It’s not like they were great to begin with. I always felt obligated to go see my mom on Mother’s Day, but I didn’t always want to go. Whether it was the drive, the dreaded crappy conversations, or just the overall “I’m not happy with my life so I’m going to make sure you aren’t either” vibe I always got when I visited my mom…it always was a bittersweet day.
Now that she’s gone, I guess it’ll just be bitter from now on.
And that sucks.